The Future of Relationships
Last fall, I was a participant and facilitator in a very cool project with Margaret Atwood (yes, that Margaret Atwood). One of the things I remember most from that experience was a seminar from Jane McGonigal about “Signals of Change”. A signal of change is a concrete example of how the world could one day be different. You can use it as a practice and a method for keeping your finger on the pulse of what is evolving, and in what direction it might go. It was a mighty helpful resource for the Practical Utopias project, where we designed practical utopias to overcome the social and material challenges of climate change and inequality.
Try it for yourself: open your search browser and type in “the future of… (whatever: food, public school, shoes, front porches)” and see what comes up.
We humans have a penchant for trying to predict, shape and change the future. And that’s brilliant because it turns out we actually can shape the future by the actions we take today.
Plenty of us do this at the beginning of the year by setting intentions or resolutions: “I want to be a published writer, so I will publish what I write once a week.”
Marketers and content creators tell us what is trending and what’s out, and it shapes what we choose to consume.
And whoever is making the rules about money these days (the Federal Reserve?) tells us that inflation and/or a recession is coming, which puts everyone in a tizzy about how/when/whether to spend their money.
These days, I’m just trying to keep my finger on the pulse of the things that are right in front of me: my health, my home, my work, and my relationships. It has me thinking about what my relationships might look like in the future.
I’ve always been a relationship person; I thrive when I have many people in my life that I love, or could fall in love with. My energy comes from exchanging time and intimacy with others. As a child, I dreamed about being surrounded by family and friends all the time: people dropping by the house to eat and relax, or walking to a neighbor’s house to sit for coffee that turns into a 3-hour-long deep dive into the soul. I must have dreamed it into life, or else made intentional choices to bring it to life, because that’s my experience today, and I’m grateful for it.
The future of my relationships feels bright when things are good. But, of course, things aren’t always good. Sometimes, it is hard or complicated to be in relationship with others. Regardless of how much I want all of my relationships to be easy and breezy, the reality is they come with conflict, misunderstanding, and even breaking.
In the past, I worked as hard as I could to avoid those things, and to keep my connections to others light and bright. I’m the best peacekeeper you’ve ever laid your eyes on, something I learned to do early in my childhood that has both served me and screwed me as I’ve grown into adulthood. This tendency has led to the silencing of my self, wants, needs, desires, and boundaries when I fear that it will disappoint someone or disrupt our dynamic. Being a peacekeeper has, more often than not, kept me trapped in a cage of my own making. Trying to avoid conflict, tension, or difficulty might make being in a relationship seem easier, but in reality - it only makes them less real, less free.
One of my biggest lessons from the past couple of years is to “be for self without being selfish and be for others without being selfless”. I’ve had to learn to speak my truth, stay engaged, accept myself and others right where we are, and (most important) tolerate the discomfort of conflict.
What a dance, what a balancing act that is. I’m now a trapeze artist, balancing between my self and others, focused on walking the line of authentic relationship from now until the end.
I do this so that I can be free within my relationships. And if I can’t be free within a relationship, I need to be free of it.
adrienne maree brown talks about “liberated relationships” in her book, Emergent Strategy. On principle, liberated relationships are characterized by radical honesty, acknowledging and growing past challenging dynamics, and being curious about who people are instead of trying to make them or fix them. More than any Google search I could do, these principles help me to forecast the future of my relationships.
The future of my relationships is not without conflict or breaking or confusion or pain. But if I am lucky, those things will exist alongside resolution and repair and clarity and comfort. And if I am very lucky, I will get to experience life-giving liberation alongside those that I love.